Panic

What is more fun than to sit and write a manual for a piece of software that is about to released on Monday? What is more fun than to create and fake cases for the manual? What is more fun when creating cases to notice that you have one hell of a bug in the software that is about to be released on Monday? What is more fun than to realise that it is Friday afternoon and the coders may already have left to spend the weekend.

It's fixed now.

More fun is to have the person you love with all your heart next to you two days in a row.

Sleep

For the last three nights I've been sleeping all in all for about 11 hours. Which is about 3. something per night. Not really much is it. No. Didn't think so either. You go to bed. You try to get some sleep on your left side. Nothing. You turn over to the right. Nothing. You lie on you back. Nothing. You listen to the clocks ticking. Still nothing. You can hear the clock strike one .. two .. three ... Why won't you come.


What I would like to do the most is to just sit next to you, hold your hand and just be. I already told you I want to take care of you, make sure that you have everything you need to be happy. I do care about you, so much it sometimes hurts.

The race

From when you get up in the morning to when you go to sleep you race, competing against something or someone. Sometimes you win, sometimes you come in second. Winning gives you a rush of accomplishment, a good feeling which pushes you further and further. But what if in certain key areas which are important to persons, the only think you can do is to come in second. Never the winner, always the looser, no matter what you do. When you come to the finishing line you can see that someone else is already there or you are informed that the race was already over when you got to the goal as they didn't want to wait for you anymore. At the goal the prize is handed over to the winner and all you can do is stand next to the winner and look at him thinking "What if it would have been me?".

Why race when you can never win?

Happy New Year! Yet another year for racing. The first race already ended. Rememberd why I don't do to DTM. Went there with an IRC acquaintance. It's been something over 3 years since my last visit. This one lasted 45 minutes I think. Then I walked home. Quite refreshing actually. Came home and noticed two girls sitting at the stairs so I threw them out and wished them a happy new year. They didn't appreciate.

Now it's time for the hangover. I feel sick (don't know if I'm hungry or just from too much booze) and the hangover is starting to creep up next to me. Time to leave the computer and go lie down.

Christmas

Christmas, the hellish time that occurs once a year. Sure, the food is great but this year the company, six kids and two dogs was just too much. For those that do not know it: I'm hyper allergic to dogs. Actually to all animals with fur. So. I had to eat this antihistamin drug that 1) made me really sleepy 2) didn't really help since you're supposed to take it and GET THE FUCK AWAY from what is causing your allergic reaction. Since this wasn't possible I ended spending much of my time in the bedroom I was sleeping in which was declared safe zone for me so no dogs allowed.

So suffering from asthma and having my body battle the allergens flying around in the air I caught a cold also as a bonus, so now I've been using more or a less a years supply of tissues to wipe my nose while at the same time coughing my lungs out which means that I will spend the New Year in bed. Oh well, isn't the first time I do that.

Other than that, it was OK. Got to relax and see the relatives and spend some time with the children and talk to them and see some of the magic that nature has to offer.

Ystävälle

Kun katselen sinua
tunnen piston sydämessäni
piston jonka olen tuntenut
kauan kauan sitten

Näytit niin pieneltä
kun seisoit edessäni
olit hukassa, olit poissa
otin sinut syliini

Pidin sinua sylissäni
halusin antaa
sen mitä halusit
mutta se ei ollut annettavissa

Tiedän tuskasi, tunnen sen
olen itse tuntenut sen
rakkaus joka repii rintaa
kunnes tulet hulluksi

En voi kuin lohduttaa
ja olla lähelläsi
pidellä vaikeina aikoina
nauraa iloisina

Olet hyvin rakas minulle
ystäväni

Almost there

Went to Turku yesterday, returned today. Seems alot happened while I was away. An escaped Estonian convict was arrested in the general area and a bar less than 100m from my house flamed. Lucky for them the firestation is so close.

Anyway.

I went to Turku. Held my presentation today for the class about the course project that I slapped together in a day. Sound was crappy but that can be improved. Also I'll add the rest of the slides to the presentation and ship it off to Sweden for a sanity check.

Anyway.

There was a lot of good material published during the presentations, even stuff that with some effort and time would do as a virtual course. Hopefully they realise the potential.

Now I'm just tired. Need to finish another paper tomorrow and send it away away away. I wish I could get some info on the raise that my boss said he would propose me for. Should come this month and they days are getting fewer and fewer...

My dear friend

I saw your message and I responded to it. It made me sad as you were really hurt. I know how much you wanted it and I know exactly how you feel because I have been in the same position as you are now. I know the feeling of disappointment from having waited so long and not getting the final few yards to the goal which would have made your day if not your life for just one second in the arms of the other. I know I would like to help you but this is something that you will have to experience at least once and learn from it. I'm afraid to say so, but this is who we are and what we sometimes do. It shouldn't be like that but it is and sometimes that makes me a little bit unhappy. I'm so sorry my friend. I will be there for you should you need me.

Post cruise and the company christmas party

Survived the cruise. I was tired, almost fell asleep on Thursday at the office after we arrived there directly from the harbor. But lets take a trip back in time to Tuesday. We went to the boat around 10 (didn't leave until 17) where we had a conferance room reserved where we discussed issued we had open. A quick (but very good) lunch later we continued until five when we had an hour to spare. Some hit the shops, others the cabins. Turned out I shared cabin with my boss and the french guy. At 18 we hit the restaurant where we had a four course meal including three different red wines (one which I bought to P), champagne and calvados. After the meal we hit the pub on the ship where we stayed for some time. Hit bed around midnight having first watched the grande finale of the Wahlmans show (which was crappy - cute singer though). Woke up at around 8 and went to have breakfast. Amazingly everyone showed up for breakfast.

After the breakfast there was an hour before we docked. We bought tickets for the bus to Centralen where I had agreed to meet P. The first bus turned out to be full so we had to wait for the second. As we were driving in towards the center we somehow managed by some dum luck pass all the places that people wanted to visit. After we got out of the bus it took about a few minutes before P arrived. I gave him a courteous hug (although I would have wanted to give him so much more) and introduced the team. We walked towards the places people wanted to visit and after a while we had lost everyone and went to sit at a café. We had some coffee and caught up on what had happened in our lives since we last had seen (which was over a year ago since our August meetings no longer will take place I guess). Time is flying when you're having fun and soon we had to leave for the meeting with the others at Sture plan and we arrived a little bit early. Soon enough everyone was there. We departed P and hit the subway and managed to take the wrong train. We ended up changing subway at Tekniska Lekskolan and switched again at Östermalm to a train which took us to Gärdet. From there it was a short walk to the terminal and the boat where we continued our meeting until 18 when we had a glass of champagne. After that we hit the cabins and immediatly went to the buffet which turned out to be quite filling (actually too filling).

After the buffet everyone was more or less too tired to do anything. I went to sleep at around 10 while the others continued until midnight. Woke up in the morning around four or five, coughing like crazy. Went to the toilet so that I wouldn't disturb the others and threw up at the same time. Burning sensation in stomach the the contents in the bowl were red so I guess that means an ulcer or something in the line with that.

The morning was a repetition of the other ones. Breakfast and then we packed the bags and left the ship after the boat had docked. The taxi was waiting and soon enough we were on the way back to work. The day was quite slow and so I left at 15 back home with my stuff. Took a shower once I got home a read the newspaper. After that I hit Itäkeskus and Eurokangas to pick up my drapes which were ready.

Got them up pretty quick although the all so kind soul of josu said he would come and help me. Thank you for that.

The next day was the company christmas party in the evening so I stayed at work until 18 when I left with my coworker and some other towards the place where we were supposed to be. Arrived a bit late because turned out Putin was leaving at the same time so all the roads were closed and the traffic was jammed. Thank you for that :)

The food was excellent, the people were nice (and quite drunk - and some where .. quite gorgeous). Talked to Mikko (for the first time) and turnes out he if from Oulu so no wonder he is a nice person. He might return there though to continue with his master level studies once he graduates from his present school ,which is not so nice. I hanged around talking and mingling with people until one in the night when I walked into the center and took the tram home. Fell asleep at two after having talked briefly to josu which also left for bed. Goodnight little one.

In the navy

Cruise tomorrow with team. Lets see who gets thrown overboard with concrete shoes. I get to see P on wednesday :)

Torture

This hellish feeling is torturing me when I know that you are next to me and I know I cannot show my true feelings that I have toward you. I want to hold you in my arms, caress your skin and keep you safe and sound. I think you know how I feel which makes it even more harder. We are not for each other, I know that, but still you are like .. I don't know what.

All work and no play

Watched today a discussion on a channel about work and how much work people do. Some complained that they do too much work and that they should really learn to say "Screw this, I'm going home" or get a family in which case it is easier to leave because .. well you know .. you have to go.

Apparently I'm somehow damaged. I looked at the conversation thinking "But the job has to be done?". Why leave if you can make or fix it? There is really no other option unless you want to leave the work for the day and continue tomorrow. Maybe it is just the lutheran upbringing.

The discussion continued to unions and their usefullness. I don't belong to any union, as far as I recall, but still I'm represented by one guy at work. Now how funny is that? What are the unions useful for in todays world? Are they useful at all? Or do they just cause trouble? I know that if I would need to go on strike for one reason or the other I would be working from home. Sure, day off would be nice .. but I'm not always so sure about the cause. Maybe I'm just lazy.

The first kiss

I still remember the first kiss you gave me. We had just been on the dance floor and I was standing next to you near the bar looking at the dancing people, holding a glass of water in my hand. I turned to look at you and you smiled and suddenly you bent down and gave me a kiss. You straightened yourself and smiled at me. After that we went to sit down near the entrance where I held you in my arms stroking your short hair.

I remember looking at you as you were sitting drunk in the kitchen that I was trying to clean up. You looked at me and suddenly you said "I love you". I held you in my arms and I felt so sorry for you because I already knew the answer to what you so much wanted. Would it have been in my power I would have granted you that one wish, but it was not. That night your heart broke as did mine as I looked at your suffering. I so wanted to hold on to you, comfort you, help you.

You visited me once and we were talking about music and you said something about a Swedish artist that has a song about pain and hurt and you said that sometimes life is just like that. Ibland gör det bara ont. I know, I feel like that when I look at you and I am unable to take care of you. I know, you are all grown up now but still now and then you look like that little lost person I held in my arms.

Say what?

Saw Jadesoturi today. I don't really know how to describe it without sounding too critical. A normal finnish movie I would say with some wannabe chinese action scenes in between that made absolutly no sense. The only interesting effect was the cutting of a falling leaf in two. Otherwise I was just sitting and waiting for the story to end. Too mystic for me or then I was just too tired to try and follow the story.


Nothing more today other than that FC6 seems to suck from a MP3 point of view. Amarok has also been castrated and if you want to update it you have remove livna packages, update amarok and re-install the livna packages again. Oh well.

Watch what you wish for

The old proverb is true. Watch what you wish for and be wary about what you ask from people. For example the simple question "Tell me secret" to a very good friend of mine one night when I was bored has simply turned upside my world in a very nice and good way. The answer contained three words and a smiley. I will not repeat those words as I consider them very personal and private but I must say, I was stunned, speechless. On the other hand now I know how some people in my life must have felt at some point :) Still, I am honored and the knowledge that was passed has in my opinion deepened the friendship that I have with this person. I still consider him one of the nicest and considering (although a bit cool) persons and I am happy to have him as a friend.

Yesterday my parents were visiting me and we put up the pipes that will hold the drapes in the study. So today I went to Itäkeskus and after 5 minutes of looking found the perfect(?) drapes for the study. This is so going to be the blue room =)

Some weeks ago I went out for a walk with a friend of mine to Viikki. Nice place and got some nice pictures that I was unable to take out from the camera as the for some reason FC5 wouldn't read it. After I've installed FC6 (and the computer is still not what it used to be) I finally got the pictures out and modified some of them a little bit (shame shame shame on me). Still. There was something nice about the walk. It was cold and brisk and the air was clear. Which reminded me of the one morning when I walked from the bus stop to work and I almost suffocated on the exhaust from the traffic on the road standing in the lights. I guess air quality will go down again once the cold air comes over.

Well, today is a new day and hopefully it will end with good news. The last meeting for today is going to be about the transfer of the team to the new place and the questions that we have about it. Keeping fingers crossed that everything goes well.

Flu

38.3 - nuff said

Who are you?

On blogspot you can describe yourself, that is tell, who are you. But who are you? My Queen (yes, you know who you are (no pun)), answered the question with .. quite a long answer. Look at yourself in the mirror. Is that really you? And who is you? Is who you are defined by your actions? Or your name? Or how you interact with other persons?

Father was here one day visiting and we put a the bedroom lamp. I know of the relationship parent or father child or mother child. But what do these titles mean other than that they describe a relationship between two persons. Who are these persons anyway? Yes, they have taken care of you for 18 years and most likely looked after you even since then making sure that you have everything that you would need. But who are they? Or are we just so customed to these mother and father people that we just go with the flow without thinking about it. We know the relationship between the father/mother person but then what?

I was thinking about my grandmothers. The one passed away 10 years ago. I know who she was as we were quite close (we children were the most important to her). I was thinking about my other grandmother whom I remember lying in bed taking a nap. Looking at her there sleeping I wondered, who is she really? I know her from my years as a small child (as I spent all summers with her and my cousins) but still she manages to suprise us (she told us she still considers herself lucky that she was chosen by our grandfather, one person whom I've never had a chance to know, sadly, he seems to have been such a wonderful person from what I've heard). I know that I will miss her when she is gone. As I still miss my other grandmother.

We can sit in a bus full of strangers and not notice them other than when someone sitting next to you, leans over and says "Excuse me, I'll be getting off" and you stand up and let them pass. We are surrounded with people who we do not know and who for the most of the time do not know themselves either.

Ask someone who they are and they will tell you their name or how they relate to you. But who are they?

So really. Who are you?

Closeness

There comes a time in your life when you meet someone. That person is nice, funny, maybe even intelligent (one of my requirements is that you should be able to argue for your standpoint instead of just grunting and be done with it) but above all, caring for the next person. Since persons like this don't grow on trees and you do not meet them on the street everyday I've taken the stand to be nice, help them. Which unfortunatly opens up the sad and shall we say, not so nice at sometime, opportunity to act nice, funny and intelligent (most of all intelligent) to manipulate the other person to get to what is wanted. Access to information about others, access to others through you.

A hug is not much asked for. An SMS saying that your impression is completly wrong and please do not do it anymore, well, that just confirmed my suspicions that had been growing over time.

A question was posed a few weeks ago. Does IT matter? There were two answers: IT does matter and well, IT might matter. Then again IT might not. IT ofcourse is nothing sexy like tits or penises but information technology as a tool in lining up the business strategy and gaining a competitive advantage over the competitors. Has the value of a strategic IS system diminished? Yes and no. Business may have the advantage for a year, max two or three but then the competition will have gained the distance. Early IS strategic positioning was dependent on the high price of IT and the fact that it was new and not everyone was capable of understanding the value it would add to the business (thinking in old ways here). What American Airlines succeeded with with its SABRE system would not be possible today as today IT is accessible by small and large alike. IT has become a commodity, like electricity. What then becomes important is how do you use it? Do you use it to power your TV to watch soap operas or do you use it to power a machine that will produce something of value, or add value by integrating existing systems into one efficient value adding machine that will for a short time blow the competition away and allow you to focus on the next thing that will keep you ahead of everyone else?

NO WAI!!!

  ___
{0,0}
(__(|
-"-"-
NO WAI!

What could be more cuter than that?

Flying

Yesterday we went with my boss to Jyväskylä to talk with our coders. The plane was owned and operated by Aero which is a partner of Finnair. Interesting. The plane was a ATR72 which I will not set my foot in anymore unless I'm under gunpoint. The ears are still ringing from the noise in the cabin.

It's been a few days since the last post. For some reason Firefox would not connect to google sites which uses Ajax at all. It would just show an white screen. Thinking I was hit with the https problem which affected the 1.5.0.6 version I tried all tricks I had up my sleeve to fix it. Finally gave up and had to shutdown the computer to check out if the battery was affected by the exploding batteries sold by Sony. No it was not. Tried google and it worked. Guess firefow just needed a reboot.

For some reason I've grown very tired. I know I get up very early but still. Hard to stay awake in the evenings. Even not I just want to go to sleep. Need to take a walk tomorrow after the laundry.

Fall

The time of darkness is upon us once more. For some reason the summer always seem to pass very fast. Suddenly you can notice that hey, it's warm, the days are longer and brighter but you really don't pay attention to it (except in the night when it can be too bright outside and not getting any sleep - atleast I'm one of those). Then suddenly you're turning on lights and lamps inhouse because it is so dark. Nature is retreating and displaying its own firework for us to wonder and look at. Fall must be on of the more nicer seasons. Going from a bright, green and warm world towards and dark, rainy and cold season with streetlamps reflecting in the pavement the light in puddles or dark forests damp with rain, where not a sound can heard. What is more nice then to curl up in the sofa under a blanket, drink something warn whilst listening to the thundering roar of the storms raging outside whilst reading a book in the candle light. Or to do the exact opposite. Go out to the sea and feel the storm against your face and the water drops splashing against your face from the rain and the storming sea. In it lies a cruel coldness that is part of life, the cold grip of Nature after her caressing gift of summer. She gives and she takes. It is part of the natural cycle of life and time. Soon all will be sleeping under the cold white blanket only to wake up to a new season of life.

It's been a few days since the last posts, largly to me being quite busy. On Thursday evening I went to Turku to attent Introduction of IS which turns out to be an interesting course. Got on the evening bus home, being home around midnight. Got 6 hours of sleep, packed my bag and went to work. Went from work directly to Turku and attended another course called Education technology which I hope will be usefull at work. Already gave me some ideas for training sessions. Spent the night in Turku at my cousines place and almost suffocated as she has two dogs and I'm allergic. Zyrtech didn't help. The next morning back to class and at around noon I left with the old RPG players to Helsinki. We arrived to my apparment at around two and we had something to eat and talked alot until around two in morning when they went back to Turku.

Now I'm just feeling tired. Good that there will be no more trips to Turku for a month until the next meeting with the teachers and students for discussions. Next week Jyväskylä is calling. Markus said he would come and visit next weekend which would be nice. Haven't seen him for ages.